


Beautiful

by JudCute



Category: Degrassi, Degrassi: Next Class
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Character Study, Characters mostly talking about their feelings, F/F, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Since first chapter is mostly characters talking and thinking about actions, Slow Burn, after season 4, this has no plot yet but it will I hope
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-05-05 21:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14627385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JudCute/pseuds/JudCute
Summary: When Esme Song returns after her meltdown of last year, Lola fears her plans of a peaceful senior year are in danger. However, after she decides to help Esme get her life back on track, a friendship blossoms between the girls. A friendship which may in the future turns into something more.





	1. Chapter 1

Lola Pacini considered herself a good person, she thought there was good in everyone. Still, there were always exceptions, and then not only with the extreme cases like murderers or rapist but also on a lower level. The line between good and evil was sometimes difficult to measure. Was goodness just about your actions, about your intentions, about your state of mind? She didn't exactly know. Was Lola still a good person even if she knew she could be incredibly petty? Did the fact she was hurting at the time make it better or didn't that count because in reality she was still hurting others? When she had abortion, was that a "good" thing to do because she saved the baby from a miserable life and her as mother or were those people in the comment section are right (once or twice she broke the golden rule of never reading the comment section until she had them disabled because of all the death threats). And other than that: could a person do a bad thing while still being a good person deep, deep down? Take her dad, sure he left her in control of Lola's Cantina probably more often than a seventeen-year-old should be. Sure, he wasn't always there when she needed him, but he tried and was dealing with his own demons, so could you really blame him.

And what about chances? Everyone deserved a second chance, even friends stealing your tip money, or dating your ex, but did people deserve a third or a fourth? When did the second chance officially start, the second you gave the chance away or was there some sort of period before in which you had time to change? One thing wasn't complicated, and that was your own moral code. You couldn't control other people's actions, but you could control your own. For her it was simple. Always give people the benefit of the doubt and help wherever is possible. If someone is in trouble, the first step is getting them out of that trouble and talking to them before judging. Following that code did get her heart broken with Miles, but it also gave her Saad. Sweet, quiet, shy Saad who gave his work to save her ass and was a storm underneath for everyone but her. Still, a small part of Lola wondered if she was too good, too forgiving at times. Because if someone has proven time after time that they weren’t a good person, that they are toxic to everyone around them, do you then simply give up? And the bigger question, did the notorious Esme Song reach it already? 

'Well, she isn't in the woods,' Yael said out of nothing, eyes on their phone.

'Huh?' Lola answered, distracted from her thoughts. 

'Hunter says her car is nowhere seen around there. He is still looking in the woods, but without a car, it's unlikely she is there. That's one place we can stripe of the list. I'm waiting for an update from Shay, but I don't think she went home either. How long till we get to the nearest train station?' asked Yael, now typing a reply. When they split up the search locations, Lola and Yael chose a station because seemed to be the least likely location for her to go.

'Any moment now, like in two minutes or something.' 

Yael nodded, and Lola felt something in her stomach, some kind of fear of what was going to happen next. Normally she and Yael were always chatty in car rides, telling each other things neither of them had ever heard about before the other brought it up, but this particular ride was awfully quiet. What Lola should be doing, what both of them should be, was having a debate for that beloved place at the front of the student council office. She should be arguing with Baaz or that other kid she didn't even know that yes: she did think the student council should do more non-school related fundraisers. Instead, she was here, silently hoping that if she did go to the station, they had to talk her out of running away, not something darker. All that trouble for Esme.

The Esme, who made her boyfriend life a living hell not once but twice! Who almost got him arrested! The bully Shay dealt with about the tiniest things like periods and her virginity. The girl who, according to Miles, got him into drugs. The girl who manipulated her friend in a threesome and then left her alone in the wood. The Esme who faked an allergic attack, who broke her own boyfriends freaking leg! If a guy hurts a girl that much he would be cancelled, maybe even arrested. But at the other side; Hunter wasn't much better, even after intense therapy. A heartbroken Yael told her about that he pushed them down, grabbed them violently at the school dance, caught him destroying the school computers, rumor even had it that he was the reason behind the lockdown and did intend to kill people with a gun in that bag he was seen with. Yet, that never stopped him from getting support, friends and a job at the vlogging channel. It never stopped Lola from tolerating him, working with him and being generally friendly to him. 

After the last graduation, Lola assumed never having to deal with Esme again. Not that she had ever dealt or even had a decent conversation with Esme before, but like in general. She would probably finish her exam somewhere else and disappear forever, at least that was what Lola would do in her situation. At the start, Esme did seem gone forever, which would make senior year a lot less complicated. Everyone had big dreams, goals, and plans with one-year high school left to set them in motion. Shay was full sport-and-school-mode, the vloggers decided to cast freshman-replacement since they all agreed to focus on the future and Lola herself had ambitions too. Since her dad had a new girlfriend, which happened like every two years, her life seemed to become a lot easier. Her dad was for a start happier, which was always a good thing. Second off, this new girlfriend has big plans, plans related to Lola's Cantina. She wasn't the first woman to embrace the restaurant as soon as she started dating Lola's dad, more girlfriends liked the idea of owning a restaurant just as much as they liked Lola's dad as a person. However, this woman intentions seemed pure. Anna, as her name was, did talk to Lola like she imagined a mom would do. She asked about her dreams and attempted to help. When Lola complained she felt like all her free time was going to Lola's Cantina, Anna encouraged her dad to give Lola more days off, so she could step into Lola's part. She also set up Lola's driving lessons, so she didn't have to rely on Frankie to go somewhere. Lola did have this feeling, that dark feeling deep that it was too good to be true. That this wouldn't last, that the woman would turn out just like everyone else. That Anna would realize she was too good for her dad or caught her dad on a bad day and leave like her mom did. Anyway, no matter how long it was going to last, it did give Lola more free time. Time, she had decided to put in the idea to become the student council president. With Yael (the best option, since Shay was too busy, Saad had enough trouble keeping up with schoolwork and Frankie wasn't responsible enough) at her side at as vice-president and Vijay-Baaz as their competition plus those two kids she had never heard of before, winning was no problem. Everything seemed to be going smoothly, the only thing in her way to victory and debate. But even if she failed at that it was a popularity competition at the end of the day and Lola knew she had a higher likability factor than Baaz and Vijay together (which you saw back in the views and likes of their old channel). The only thing slightly remarkable of the new school year was that Frankie was being a bit blue, but it was Frankie. She had a mood every four months, it wasn't something out of the ordinary. But all that peace didn't last longer than the first class in the new second week of school year, when halfway in she walked in with principle Simpson at her side. 

When Esme first came in the classroom, she sat down quietly while all eyes were on her, next to Frankie. Frankie gave her a side hug her like nothing happened between them ever and like this was a totally normal thing to do in a totally normal situation. And Esme was just… unlike herself. She wasn't the loud know-it-all overly-present girl she got to know in the group hangs with Zig and Jonah and Tiny. She was something entirely else. Now Lola understands why Frankie called her fragile before because that was what she looked like. At least she also seemed harmless for once. Still, a reputation like she had was hard to move on from. It wasn't anything serious that got thrown at her head most of the time, but still enough that it was impossible to ignore. Even Lola noticed the whispers around the girl. Slut-shaming her, calling her crazy, everyone suddenly had an opinion on her and non-of it was positive. It made Lola feel bad, although she couldn't tell exactly why. Esme wasn't worth it; a person couldn't do so many bad things and get away without consequences. But maybe it was the miserable look in Esme's eyes, that look of desperation she recognized. And Esme's tried, sort of. When Frankie made her sit at their lunch table instead of isolating herself, it took ten minutes before she couldn't handle Shay and Saad's stares and ran away taking Frankie with her, which was like five times longer Lola expected. Then came that guy this morning. Damon. Like he was such a saint, there was being said that after being shot in his leg as payback for stabbing someone (Tiny if Lola heard correctly) he had to repeat junior year. He grabbed her in public, squeezing her ass. Frankie saw it, Lola saw it, everyone saw it and Esme just... froze. She didn't yell or make show or kissed him back to make a fool of him like she done before. She just stood there, hands in a fist and clenching her teeth. It surprised Lola, but the more she thought about it, it made sense. No one would forget it if she acted out again, even in self-defense. It would only prove people were right about her. So, she just walked away, but he didn't leave her alone. He stood in her way, blatantly asking her for sex, that the camera behind the school was broke again and he was in the mood. She looked him in the eye, said no and stepped aside to continue walking forwards. That's when Lola assumed everyone had stopped doing what they were doing to watch to see this disaster unfold. That's when he started yelling, calling her crazy whore, that she never rejected anyone before. It got that far before anyone interfered, and that anyone was Frankie. It was one person in a group of people who had the guts to do the right thing. What did that act of bravery get her, an invitation to threesome, that he would probably last longer than Zig, that it was has always been Damon's dream to hook up with two girls at ones, how lesbians got him off. The punch that followed was honestly well deserved. Frankie, never having punched someone before, hold her hand painfully back when she was done and looked at him with slight horror at her own action. Of course, was that the moment a teacher showed up, not when the sexual harassment happened, no, only it's consequence. Esme took that of confusing that 'o my god, Damon the ex-gang member got punched by a rich girl' moment to run. Frankie begged, literally begged, to help search her. She was benched for the principal office and she was worried. Especially after the message she got minutes after she was gone. "Sorry for everything", it said. For someone with Esme's kind of issues, someone who threatened suicide at prom with a knife that laid at the closest table because her boyfriend blocked her, that kind message was truly terrifying. Maybe it was Lola's guilt that she stood there and let the scene that happened happen, maybe she was just too good for this world, but she agreed to look for Esme even if that meant ditching the debate. Which ended her here, at the parking lot of a small station the closest to Degrassi. It only had two tracks and it wasn't busy. To the place were Yael and she were both looking at a sloppy parked car that was undeniably Esme's.

'Oh crap,' Yael said, and they sank into their car seat, 'you go search for her. I'll update everyone we found her car and call Ms. Grell for advice or to come get her. '

'What! Why me? I'm not going alone!'

'You have seen my social skills in action, believe me, Esme is better off without me attempting to sympathize and you are the most empathic person I know.' Yael stared back at Lola and it turned into a staring competition until Lola broke.

'Fine,' she said, and she opened the door to walk out.

There weren't many places to look for Esme with how seemingly in the middle of nowhere this station was. In less than a minute, Lola noticed the back of a bench, with a black braid hanging over the edge. She couldn't help but approach the girl cautiously like you would approve a wild animal. Esme was staring at the track, lost in her own head. 'Hey', Lola said, not wanting to scare her. It took a few seconds for Esme to react as if her mind was slowly returning to her body. Her eyes were red, she had been crying. She sniffed before she answered. 

'What are YOU doing here?' she asked, emphasis on you. Lola moved closer and sat next to her, and she saw that despite what she thought earlier, Esme hadn't stopped crying, tears kept leaking out of her eyes.

'I'm here to stop you, before you do something stupid. Is there anything you want to… I don't know. Talk about,' Lola said, she couldn't help doing the soft voice thing people she always hated when people did. She knew better, that when you were upset you wanted someone to treat you normal. But nothing about Esme was normal, so that voice was there before she even caught herself doing it.

'Oh, how noble for you. Very brave of you to offer to go after crazy old easy E to save her from herself. That's all I'm good for, aren't I? To give boys what they need, whatever it is head or an escape only to blame me when they want to avoid consequences. To make people feel like they are good people for keeping up with someone as damaged as me. Do you want a price? A good person ribbon? Do you want me to hug you, say you fixed all my problems? Do you want me to clear up some kind of guilt you have about me existing so you can go home to your perfect life and perfect boyfriend and you can just… whatever, it doesn't matter. Just get this whole thing over with,' she answered, talking so fast and messy it was almost impossible to follow.

'Esme… I-', Lola started, loss at words. She wanted to comfort Esme, but Esme wasn't in the mood to be comforted. Nothing Lola could say would fall right, so maybe all that was left to say was the blunt truth. 

'You are right. I don't care about you. I did feel guilty about being a bystander to whatever just happened, but honestly, I'm only here because Frankie asked. I'm waiting for you to... I don't know... get your shit temporarily together, so I can bring you home or until Ms. Grell comes her to fix it, so I can indeed move on. You are a pretty awful person to everyone I've ever liked. You are a loud bully, who likes to create conflict and mess with peoples' lives just because and you don't seem to care who gets hurt, so why should I care for you? You used Saad as a pawn in some kind of mind-games with Zig, which caused Zig to ruin his life for several weeks afterward. Like, Saad did nothing wrong and you used him and hurt him so many times, with no reason other than that hurting him was convenient to your plans. You could just finish that goddamn assignment that once made your paths cross and move on with your life, but you didn't. If you didn't pressure Shay about her virginity and hadn't been so childish to her in general, we would have never fought that night. And if we hadn't fought, some part of a certain chain reaction might have been avoided. Don't get me started on the stories Miles told me about you. And while Frankie is a dumbass, you manipulated her too. I have no idea why she still hasn't cut your out of her life like a smart person would do. Not to forgot, almost every time you show up at Lola's Cantina it ends with a fight. While I appreciate how much business you give me and how you give higher tips than the average customer, I could do without your constantly starting shit in my restaurant. And now all my plans might fall apart because I threw away a very important debate for you. So yeah… you are absolute, hundred percent, right,' Lola ranted, going angrier the longer she went on. That reaction somehow worked and got the what she wanted from Esme. Some of the fire she was used to back in her eyes.

'Thanks for the honesty. Glad we got that cleared up.'

A few seconds of silence passed between them.

'I wasn't finished yet,' Lola continued after a while, 'because well, all what I just said is the truth, but it's not the only truth. Because the truth also is that you didn't deserve what just happened to you. That was sexual harassment, and no one deserves that. That's not karma, it was just a shitty thing and I'm sorry that it happened. Just as you don't deserve half names that get thrown at your head or to be humiliated and isolated day after day. Because the point is, no matter what happened you are stuck at Degrassi and in this world. You are here, and I can't change that, no matter how much I want to hate you and never see you again, it won't change that at the end of the day you have just as much right to go to Degrassi as I do. You deserve to find your place and make this school year bearable for you and, I'm not lying here, I want to help you find that place. You look so miserable all the time and I don't wish that one anyone, not even a girl like you,' Lola said, hoping it sounded as genuine as it sounded in her head and heart. Esme had apparently given up on talking because she didn't reply. She just made a sound between a laugh and sob and looked away. Lola felt that she didn't believe a word of what she just said. Again, that terribly uncomfortable silence returned, neither of them making a single move.

'You know… you mocked me saying I wanted to save you from yourself. Because you don't believe you are worth saving anymore. Well, despite all the reasons I should hate you, I do think you have something redeemable left. I do think are parts of you that are worth saving,' Lola tried because despite checking her phone nine times Ms. Grell had something holding her up and Esme hadn't moved a bit so probably wasn't going home out of herself. She had these spend these minutes long and hard thinking about everything she knew and had heard about Esme, trying to find something good.

'Oh yeah… what's that? You don't know anything about me, who I am and what I've done,' Esme said. At least she was stopped with crying, which was a start. And Lola couldn't believe she was going to play the devil's advocate, but she got this far with getting through to Esme and she wasn't going to screw it up.

'Well as a starter, I heard what you did for Maya on the night of the Miles' play,' Lola replied, and Esme flinched after that remark, biting her lips and closing her eyes.

'Don't remind me of that night, please. I still try the hardest to forget everything about that night and not get back to that roof every time I close my eyes,' Esme answered with her eyes still closed, 'You think that after all these months the image would have faded but it didn't. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I knew what to do and did it, I wasn't heroic or anything I was… I did what any person would do if they stumbled upon it, if that is your only point which makes me worthy of redemption you don't make a strong case.' 

Lola always wondered what the story behind this was, about Esme's hate for hospitals and her uneasiness about things like this. And this was the most words she had said since Lola sat down and yelled at her for simply looking for her, so maybe this conversation would actually go somewhere.

'I still find it brave. And… Zig and I talked a few times while hanging out with Jonah and Tiny and Shay. He showed me the photos of your dance troupe, you making children laugh in that princess dress and giving an impressive performance. I even saw a video and you seemed so good and happy, what changed?' 

Esme changed her sitting position, straightening her back, wiping some dried-up tears off her cheeks and a fixed lock that got out of her braid behind her ear.  
'If you want to know, I abandoned the dance troupe because of Zig, that's happened. They always start at the first sign of summer and I was so over my head into Zig that I left them to rot. Because that's all I'm good at, hurting people and things I like,' she said, her voice sounding a bit more stable than before. 

'Oh… okay. But I believe you can always try again if they want to let you back in. And that's not the only thing Zig told me. And he told me how you helped him with school. Those are nice things to do, even if it ended… the horrible and unforgiving way it did. And you made Frankie happy, despite your questionable methods. After Jonah broke up with her, she was all emo and down and Frankie is so freaking annoying when she is upset, you made her better,' Lola told her and Esme looked at her with almost some sort of wonder in her eyes and the slightest smile on her face, slightly nodding. It made Lola want to go on talking forever to never let that look leave her face.

'Not to forget that you are the smartest person I know. You got straight A's, you got into Harvard and Columbia. At least that's what's Frankie told me. That wasn't a lie wasn't it?' Lola went on, not sure if she hit another sore spot by bringing it up or not. Apparently, it was, because it made Esme lose eye contact, laugh and shake her head, but only for a second. 

'No, it wasn't,' she said right to Lola. For once the emotion in her voice was unmistakable. It wasn't a mix of anger, desperation, panic, and a thousand other things like before. It was one clear and single thing: regret. 

'Before last year turned into a shit show, I was doing well. School wise at least. Like really well. Last year I got taken up into Miles' adventure and of course, I encouraged Zig to skip class more often than would be responsible, but I was doing great. Like you said, all you; straight a's. That and a killer essay got me in. Only skipping all your exams because your brain seemed to set itself on fire every time school came up because I wouldn't fix your love life and are terrified to face up your ex, his… you-know-who-I-mean and everyone, and missing all your classes ruined that. A miracle has to happen for me to get back in.'

‘If anyone is smart enough to pull it off it’s you,’ Lola answered, and she had laid her hand on Esme’s arm for comfort between she realized. Esme didn’t move away but sighed. 

‘That’s nice to say, even though it’s not true,’ Esme said and to Lola’s surprised for once she kept talking, ‘I just-…. I just- I feel stuck. Stuck in the present and past and future all at the same time. I don’t see a future anymore because the one future I saw is ruined. And what is the point of this all if I am nothing and have nothing and have no one. And for even the people I do have, I only make everything for them worse. Why exist when it only ruins things. I’m just- stuck.’

‘Well… what if I helped you get unstuck?’ Lola answered and pushed Esme softly, trying to ignore the darkness underlaying all other things she said. The weirdest part was that Lola meant it.

‘How would you do that? Everyone hates me, can you make them unhate me? Erase everyone’s memories of last year me,’ Esme asked, but it sounded more sceptic than defensive, which was promising. And Lola already had plan exactly how she would do it.

‘Look, I’m going to become Student Council president, because the other candidates are losers. What if I help you set up your own dance troupe, or some sort of tutoring program so you can help people? Or wait! Aren’t you good at math, because I really need help budgeting. Or maybe a debate team? You are good at talking, right? I mean there are so many possibilities to fix this. And until you found your place; I’ll be there for you. How sounds that?’

‘Like you fell on your head or through a rabbit hole, because you are talking nonsense,’ Esme said, a mocking smile on her face, a smile mocking Lola for trying to goddamn help her. 

Lola cursed under her breath, because going on like this they would be going in circles and get nowhere, and Lola was getting sick at it. She had been more than patient with Esme, but this was getting ridiculous. 

 

‘Would it kill you to be positive for once?’ Lola yelled to the girl, louder and ruder than she intended. 

‘YES! Because if I’m positive I get hurt! Because it makes me trust people who than stab me in the back, who I give ever part of me only for them to throw it away like I was a mistake. I always am the one who ends up being abandoned!’ Esme yelled back at her, and that remark made Lola bite her tongue. Because as much as she wanted to be annoyed with Esme, that feeling Lola knew all too well. Now she had to make Esme believe she truly did know that feeling, and for her to believe that she had to do the thing she hated most in the world.

‘Okay, I get that,’ Lola answered, her voice slow and controlled. Esme was going to open her mouth, but Lola stopped her with one finger. 

‘And before you are going to tell me I really don’t, I’m going to tell you a story that I normally hate telling people, are you going to listen to me? Like, really listen what I’m saying instead of going back to hating yourself and yelling at me?’

Esme rolled her eyes, but with how blood-serious Lola suddenly was, she nodded. 

‘Go ahead…’

‘Ever since I was young, my dad and mom didn’t really get along. All memories I have from them are of them fighting. When I was eight, my parents split up. They talked about leaving each other a lot before that, talking about all presents I would get when it happened and how I would get two rooms and everything, how this break would be as least painful for me as possible,’ at that moment Lola stopped to swallow. Normally, she would tell a short version of this story. The less painful version told herself so often that she almost believed it. The easy short version, where she left the ugly details out and kept it sort, so people would get the general stuff without any requirement to go deeper. But Esme, a girl with so much of the same hurt in her, needed to hear the whole version. 

‘But they even argued about that, and the fighting got worse and worse and worse. The peaceful clean break seemed to get more impossible with each day yelling, until that one night. The night that I heard glasses breaking and doors slamming from my bed and I hid under my blanket pretending it was all a bad dream. When I woke up, mom just wasn’t there. Hadn’t even left a note. She had packed her bags after that fight and just… walked out. She completely abandoned her only daughter without warning and without saying goodbye. Everybody felt bad for me and tried to help, I got almost everything I wanted but it wasn’t enough. I just wanted my mom back. And that hurt, it hurt so much that I spend days crying in bed and years afraid ever person I ever cared about would always leave. So… yeah I get your pain. I get those dark, paranoia thought, that people will leave. I get that the fear and pain that feels like someone is cutting a hole out of you every day, but that doesn’t mean I gave up on life and love. It sucks that I got to work harder than other people to believe in unconditional happiness and love, but that doesn’t mean I give in my darkest thoughts and stop fighting. And I know there isn’t an easy fix, not a switch you can turn to ‘normal’ in a day, I knew I couldn’t. But what I could was try and work for it because I’m here, I’m a good person who deserves to be loved and I’m going to work damn hard every day to get what I know I deserve,’ went Lola up, ending up being shaken but passionate. She hadn’t said these words, that she repeated in her heads so many times she lost count, out loud forever. It felt weird, but relieving. 

Esme looked at the ground, seeming to have trouble breathing suddenly. Every breath came out faster and less controlled than the last one she took. It looked like her fake allergy attack, but quieter. There weren’t any bees around here, so it was unlikely she got stung. She hugged herself tightly, her nails digging in her arms and Lola thought maybe she gone too far. Although how she could have gone too far telling a far telling a really personal story seemed a mystery.

‘Esme, what’s wrong? Is it something I said, can you try to breath normally?’

Esme just shook her head, getting worse ever second. 

‘Can you say anything, please?’

‘I’m sorry,’ she muttered between her ragged breaths.

‘What is it?’

‘I just… I- I miss… I-… my mom-…’ she tried to say something, but it came out so messy, that it ended up being sentences going nowhere making no sense.  
‘Hey, look at me. It’s okay,’ Lola said, both her hands on Esme’s shoulders now, shaking her softly. Seeing Esme like this made all her instincts kick in and she pushed her own feelings she had brought up away, because that was her own speciality. Then her eye fell on her phone, it was from Yael. It said they had seen Ms Grell arriving in the parking lot. Less than a minute later, Lola saw the Guidance Counselor walking towards them. Lola stood up for Ms Grell to take her place, which she did, sitting where Lola sat seconds ago. When she saw Esme’s state, Lola heard her start repeating some sort of breathing expertise to Esme and it seemed to work. When Esme’s breathing was slowly getting back under control, she turned to Lola.

‘I’ll take it over from here Lola, you can go home,’ she said to Lola, who was honestly happy she didn’t ask details of what happened because Lola had no idea herself. Before she stepped into Yael’s car, she couldn’t help looking back at Esme, not sure how to feel. She wanted to think she had done a great job overal except at the end. All she could think of was what promised Esme and how she meant it, how she wanted to help her. A part of her still hoped she could do that, although she knew it wouldn't be easy at all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually update this and am working at the next part, so that's unexpected. This is again mostly set up. Thank you Kelly, aka writer of Things We Can't Rewrite on fanfiction.com, definitely check her work out.

Lola’s feelings about the debate turned out to be right, judging by what she had read on online while laying in her bed that night. It ended up being incredibly boring— not many people showed up or otherwise left after its short break, and she was still mostly likely to win. In fact, the rumours of her skipping it to help Esme actually worked in her favour. How it ended with Frankie and Damon had a much less happy ending: both of them got expelled for two weeks, despite Frankie trying to claim it was defense from sexual harassment. Lola joked that she would have to organize another protest, but Frankie thought putting a spotlight on Esme would be like, the worst thing to do in this scenario. Tomorrow, the results of the election would be officially announced. Honestly, Lola would be surprised if her name wasn’t the one you heard over the intercom. In her head she had already won. She left social media to go back some notes she had made on her phone of the things she planned to do, the things she would say at the first official meeting, about what to wear tomorrow on her first day as president. She almost felt like everything would turn out okay... till she saw those little red letters, a little note she had forgotten. The budget she made was still an incomplete mess. Simpson had said that if she won, she had one day to fix it or her presidency would be taken away from her. Lola planned going to sit down with Yael for that after the debate to start the corrections, but because of all the chaos, she totally forgot. And it made her feel awful. Because the thing about that budget was, at least how Lola saw it, that it was just another example of how unfair the world could be. How the world would never be made for girl like her, girls with ambition, but not the talents, when it came to school. Different kinds of people had different kinds of talents. Some people were good at comforting someone, others at math and numbers, which had never been Lola’s speciality. She had to sit down and really work for a good grade, otherwise she was totally a helpless case. She blamed it sometimes on the fact that she learned English later than everyone else, other times she thought it was truly totally fault in her design as human. Most days, she thought she had made peace with the fact that she wasn’t school-smart, that in her friend group people would see her as ‘the dumb one’, that she simply had enough other qualities to make up for that. Tonight however, knowing she could lose something she had worked for because of this... it hurt. She had good ideas, she knew how to lead, she knew she would make a good president. She knew she had the whole day tomorrow if she won but doing something like that just took her more time than an average person would need. Just when she wanted this day to end and laid her phone away to go to sleep, she got a message from an unknown number. It only said: Hey Lola, are you awake? Suddenly, every horror and thriller Lola had ever watched came back to her mind, taking away all her tiredness. Who are you and where did you get my number, she typed back. The dots appeared. Oh sorry, my bad, it’s Esme, Frankie gave me your number, the other person said and Lola’s heart calmed down. She was actually sort of happy to hear back from Esme after she left her alone with Ms Grell. 

Lola  
you should have started with that you scared me 

Lola  
how are you holding up? 

Esme  
Sorry for scaring you then, didn’t mean it that way. And I’m better than before, but that’s not why I’m sending you a message so late. I wanted to apologize. I was in a bad place and if I’m in that place I’m not a very reasonable person. I just wanted to say: thanks for looking for me and saying the things you said, you didn’t deserve my rudeness in return. 

Lola looked at her phone sort of surprised, she didn’t expect an apology from Esme at all. Apologies weren't Esme style as far as she knew. In her head, she had honestly almost shoved Esme in the ‘helpless case’ category. She almost wanted to answer that it was okay and that Esme didn’t need to apologize, but she stopped that impulse because it would be a lie. 

Lola  
Thank you for that and I accept your apology. 

She sent that instead. And while she knew Esme probably didn’t want to talk about it, while she knew she was probably pouring salt on some sort of wound, she couldn’t help herself from wanting to know more about this afternoon. 

Lola  
can I ask you something???? 

Esme  
Is it related to my panic attack? The one I had when Ms. Grell arrived? Because if so… I would rather not. 

Lola  
I just wanted to know what happened???? 

Lola  
did I say something wrong???? 

Lola  
like…. 

Lola  
one second you were sort of close to being okay and then I told you something incredibly personal about my mom and you were gone??? 

Esme  
So you really don’t know the whole story? It’s not like it’s a secret or something. I’m sure with everything being said about me it was common knowledge what happened. 

Lola  
look esme 

Lola  
gossips sucks but I really have no idea what you are talking about 

Esme  
I’m not going to tell you this story over the phone. Let’s just keep it for now by that I have my fair share of mommy-issues too and you brought some bad stuff back while I was already on edge. Okay? 

Lola  
okay 

Esme  
Now the other real reason I’m texting you. 

Esme  
Does your offer still stand? About, you know, helping me find my place at Degrassi. Because I’ve thought about your ideas and I might have discussed some of them with Ms Grell when I calmed down. I even wrote pitches for them to offer the student-council, following the given guidelines including budget, of course. No pressure to say yes, I get if you don’t want anything to do with me after this afternoon. I get that I hurt you and people close to you too much and I don’t want to... which words did you use… ‘start any shit’ and ruin your senior year. You are a good person, Lola. It wouldn’t be fair for me to force myself into your life. 

Lola stared at her phone, because Esme made some good points. She had seen what hanging out with Esme had done to Frankie’s popularity and social life after her breakdown. When she had offered her help, she didn’t lie to make Esme feel better, she really felt she wanted to in that moment. And she hadn’t taken back her offer. But was helping her, risking losing her own friendships, worth it? On times like this, Lola believed the best thing to do was follow her gut, and her gut said: help Esme. 

Lola  
that’s great Esme! and I’ve promised it once 

Lola  
and I don’t break promises 

Lola  
if you promise to, you know, be nice to me I have no reason to not to 

Lola  
you do know those pitches aren’t due till next week? 

Esme  
I know, I just wanted to get it started. So, can we meet up tomorrow? Just to talk about stuff now I’m in a better mindset. 

Lola  
Ehmmm 

Lola  
I probably have student council president stuff after class, but maybe you can join??? 

Lola  
I know you aren’t Miss school spirit but maybe nice too make a change?? 

Lola  
would keep you busy and all 

Esme  
Do you always press sent after ever sentence you type? 

Lola  
Yes 

Lola  
Yes I Do 

Lola  
Problem with it?? 

Esme  
Anyways… sounds good. I’ll show. Anything else you want to ask me? Because I feel like I owe you something. 

Suddenly Lola saw an opportunity to fix her problem, that maybe becoming friends could work at her advantage and not only be a good thing on a moral level. Because those school smarts Lola lacked, Esme excelled in. 

Lola  
you are good with numbers right? 

Esme  
If you mean I’m good at economics and math, then yes. You need tutoring too? We can set something up, I’m a great teacher I’ve been told. 

Lola  
I like that idea too 

Lola  
but I actually have a problem that needs to be fixed asap 

Lola  
a budgeting problem 

Lola  
you see when you run for student council you have to format this basic idea of how you are going to pay for your ideas and blahblahblah 

Esme  
I know what a budget is. So… you need help with yours for your presidency? 

Lola  
yeah.. apparently mine old one was a hot mess 

Lola  
no direct quote 

Lola  
It looks like I’m going to win, but if I don’t turn it in, my presidency may be even shorter than Miles’ famous fifteen minute presidency was. 

Lola  
Sorry bad joke 

Esme  
No, that joke made me actually want to help you even more. I’m good at making clean and presentable budgets. Send the files right now and I will take a look at it. I can finish it before school starts tomorrow, no problem. 

Lola  
You mean you will look at it in the morning, right??? 

Lola  
Because it’s almost 1 am??? You need to go sleep??? 

Esme  
Yeah, I’m not going to get any sleep tonight anyways so I better do something more useful. Just send the files and sleep well Lola. 

After that message, Esme’s status turned from online to an empty space. Confused and tired, Lola grabbed her laptop from under her bed and sent Esme what she asked for. A part felt weird about the whole ‘I’m not going to get any sleep’ part and maybe a bit concerned. Because everyone needed sleep, especially if you weren’t well, physically and mentally. For Lola, her dad not sleeping was always a sign he was getting bad again. But on the other hand, she didn’t know Esme yet well enough to read into this stuff. Maybe she was joking or exaggerating or just being dramatic. Lola felt her eyes closing which, for her, was a sign that she wasn't Esme and definitely needed sleep. So, she put her phone away and curled up in bed, falling asleep in seconds.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

‘Come on Lo, one more photo,’ Saad said while Lola was posing proudly in front of the student office table. They had been taking photos for the last half hour. Lola started to feel giggly. She loved having her pictures taken by Saad, who always looked like she was the only thing in the universe that mattered when doing it. His focus and passion for photographing was one of the things that fascinated her about him, how he could take even the simplest setting and create something wonderful. The Degrassi newspaper had turned into a to a daily-updated weblog, which Saad was now officially the photographer of. And what was bigger news than some photos of the first day with the new president? However, she had already taken so many photos, which resulted in improvising some ridiculous poses for variation. After one more pose, on one leg with her arms wide which caused her to fall, she burst out laughing. 

‘I think we are done. How many did we take, like 50?’ she said when she collected herself again and walked up to Saad to look at his camera. 

‘I can't get enough of you,’ Saad said with this big goofy smile on his face as they went through the photos. They started serious and professional, but they got sillier as they went on. The last one was a photo taken when she started laughing. 

'I like the last one the most I think,' Lola concluded after seeing all photos twice, taking a look at her face. She looked young in that one, carefree— she liked seeing herself like that. 

'Yes, I'm thinking of submitting that one and one of the first. For the contrast and all, to show you are the best of both worlds: reliable and serious, but still fun. But honestly, you look perfect in all of them,' Saad said, with a bit of a flirting in his tone. Lola never saw Saad as the romantic type, but after the kiss, he was done being shy and went full on cheese all the time. She loved every second of it. 

'Come here, you Casanova,' she said and grabbed his face to kiss him. The kiss was short and sweet and went on until they both heard someone knocking. Lola was with her face to the door so she couldn't see who it was, but Saad fell immediately on seeing them. He wasn't sappy and happy anymore, but looked angry. He put his arm protectively around Lola, who still had no idea who had arrived. When she turned around, she saw Esme in the door opening. She had a small purple map in her hand and waved awkwardly. 

'What are you doing here?' Saad asked angrily. Lola bit her lip; she could have seen this coming. She watched Esme, who still didn't look like her cocky self. Something still felt off. Her smile was too unsure, her body language too closed off. And Lola couldn’t help herself— it set off all of Lola's instincts to protect. 

'I invited her to join the student council,' Lola answered and moved his arm away. Saad turned from Esme to Lola, his face in a confused frown. 

'Why would you do that, don't you remember who she is? What she did to me?' he said, making these wild hand gestures. She knew Saad had the right to be mad at Esme, she knew that being friends with someone who backstabbed you that many times could be seen as betrayal… she had just hoped she could avoid having this happen. 

'Esme? Can you wait outside for a minute please?' Lola said and Esme nodded and walked away. 

'Okay, so I can explain...' Lola continued. She took his hands and led him to the table where they sat down, mentally preparing herself for how she would bullshit her way out of this. 

'Explain what?’ Saad asked, ‘Esme is bad news. You know that and you go and invite her into something as important to you as student council… or at least I thought that it was important for you?' 

'I care about student council!' Lola said, louder than intended. 

'Than why do you allow someone who is basically poison in there? Are you friends now? Did I miss something? Why would you be friends with someone like that?' Saad’s voice was full of emotion, of anger and betrayal and worry and wariness. 

Lola took a deep breath, wondering how to explain decisions that she barely understood herself. 

‘Look, I know you are not a fan of Esme. This wasn’t my plan either, it just sort of happened. Did you hear what happened yesterday?’ Lola said, looking him deep in the eye. 

‘With that Damon-guy, yes,’ Saad answered, nodding. 

‘Afterwards, Frankie asked me to look for her. And when I found her, she was so sad and lost… no one deserves that. She actually reminded me of you, before we came friends,’ Lola continued. Saad’s face softened a bit. 

‘Oh Lola… I know you have a big heart, that’s what I like about you, but Esme…’ 

‘I don’t plan to be her BFF or something like that? My plan is the opposite, if Esme has her own social life and friend group, she will leave us alone. Trust me, I only want her to find her own place. And other than that, you don’t get to decide who I am friends with.’ 

‘I know that! But this isn’t just about what Esme did to me, how her actions made me spend the night at the police and how she set Zig up against me. I just… I want you to be careful. Bad things happen to people who hang out with Esme.’ Saad said, and Lola knew he technically wasn’t wrong. But changing her mind now, after the promise she made, seemed like the worst thing to do.

‘She seems to like me, she won’t hurt me,’ she tried, comforting Saad as much as she tried to convince herself that she didn’t make a mistake. 

‘She liked Zig too and you know how that ended up for him,’ was all Saad needed to say to make Lola bite her tongue. Of course she knew that, of course she didn’t want her leg broken. Maybe she was foolish to think she alone could help Esme. But then she thought about her father, about Miles, about Saad and even about herself, how all of these people were messed up in their own way and how having someone care for them made a big change in their lives for the better. Esme didn’t seem to have that person, other than Frankie. 

So, she took a big breath and said: ‘Saad… like I said, have a little trust in me. I promise, I know what I’m doing.’ 

'Okay, but I...' Saad started again, but after seeing the look in Lola’s eyes he stopped.  
‘Okay,’ he repeated again.

'Good... than can you give me and Esme some privacy? I have a promise to keep and I said I would talk to her today,' Lola said while she stood up to let Esme in and walk Saad out. 

'Understand. I’ll talk to you later, okay?' Saad said, not sounding entirely convinced yet, but it was at least progress. He stood up, grabbed his school laptop and camera and walked out. Lola followed him and give him a small kiss before leaving. Esme sat on the bench by the door, looking at the contents of whatever she put in that map while fidgeting with her pink pen. She jumped up when she saw Lola and Saad approaching. 

'Come in,' Lola said, gesturing inside the student council office. This whole scenario felt honestly more uncomfortable than she thought it would be. Esme walked in and sat at the table. 

'So, to get to the point,' Esme began. She dropped her purple map on the table and shoved it towards Lola, 'Your original plan wasn't that bad, it just needed some polishing and elaboration on some points. It should meet all requirements now. Your presidency should be safe.' 

Lola's felt her mouth fall open when she saw the result— Esme wasn't joking when she said she was good at this. It looked professional, with graphics and sources and footnotes. Lola felt like she was looking at something from a billion-dollar company, not something for a school budget. All her plans worked out with predicted profit and cost, perfectly substantiated. She recognized her own groundwork but Esme had turned it into a piece of art, she couldn't imagine how much time Esme much put in it on such a short notice. It was even printed on that kind of shiny paper. 

'Esme... this is... wow...' Lola muttered, truly at loss of words. 

'It's too much, isn't it,' Esme said, still fidgeting with the pink pen in her hand. 

'No... it's perfect. Thank you so much. I kind of want to hug you right now,' Lola answered. 

Esme face cracked into a real smile for once, like a weight was lifted of her shoulders. 

‘You’re welcome.’ She replied, but at soon as she said it she started to yawn. 

‘How much time did you put in to this? It wasn’t too much trouble, was it?’ Lola asked, noticing how tired the girl looked. Even her signature braid looked messier than usual. 

‘It’s fine Lola. Didn’t have anything better to do,’ Esme said, straightening her back so she sat upright, as if that would fix and hide her exhaustion. 

‘You did get some sleep last night, right?’ Lola kept pushing. She sounded more concerned than she thought she would be about Esme. 

‘Sleep is overrated anyways,’ Esme shrugged, taking back the map like looking at it like it was the most interesting thing in the world suddenly. 

‘You didn’t answer my question.’ 

‘To be honest, it’s none of your fucking business. I did what you asked for, alright!’ Esme snapped, still avoiding eye contact by looking at the budget. Lola took the purple map from under her nose.

‘No, we are not going to do this like this. Friendships, hell relationships in general, don't work like this, this isn't some transaction. If you are going to attack me every time I’m trying to help, this friendship or whatever it is won’t work. You can’t be a bitch to me when things don’t go like you want. Please Esme, if we are working together I need to know what’s going on in that head of yours. I’m more sympathetic than you think and I won’t tell anyone personal stuff. Can you try to trust me?’ she set, trying desperately to keep her cool. Esme, who now had nothing to distract herself with, looked at Lola. She heard the clock ticking for a few seconds before Esme started talking.

‘Okay, fine. I’m crazy for even telling you this but… I tried to sleep … I really did… Only, you know…my thoughts tend to get kind of loud at night. Especially after… everything. That embarrassing scene with Damon, Frankie being expelled for defending me, our talk, the last few weeks. Every time I closed my eyes my brain just meshed those thing together in a nightmare and when I woke up… I felt truly alone in this world. And I can’t deal with that feeling.’ 

‘Esme...’ Lola answered and she suddenly thought back how less than a few minutes ago Saad did the same to her. Maybe they were both human disasters worth pitying by others in their own ways.

'Proving myself useful worked, it helped me. But still... Frankie was all I had left and... I'm not going to see her the whole two weeks and the thought of that drives me insane. So there’s the truth, happy?' Esme went on, having found a new solution to not looking Lola in the eye by staring at the plafond. 

'How many time do I have to tell you: you have me,' Lola said. She had a weird urge to comfort Esme, but also knew it was too soon for casual touches, since she had still no idea if Esme liked that. 

'Don’t lie to make me feel better,’ Esme replied, staring directly to Lola for a change, ‘I don't have you at all. I saw the look on Saad's face,and the way you look at Saad, and the way Saad looked at me... You have something that works, I’m not going to be the one who destroys it. At lunches or assignments or free time, if you can choose between Saad and me, you will go for Saad. I’ve been in this position before and I know how this story ends for the bitch.'

‘Well… it’s not like you have apologized to Saad or given him any reason to forgive you. Maybe you should try that first instead of giving up?’

‘How do you imagine that going? He probably won’t even want to me.’ 

‘Maybe you could write him a letter or something, he is not as scary and weird as you think. You are scarier. And maybe to Shay too.’

‘I did write some letters to Zig… fine. I’ll try, would make my therapist very happy anyways.’

Lola’s phone buzzed and she picked it up, it was Yael, announcing they were on their way. Lola looked at the time and jumped up. 

‘Oh shit, I forgot the time, everybody is coming for the first meeting in three minutes. Esme, help me set the tables in the right place again, then I can open my presentation.’ 

For the photoshoot, they set all tables aside, which was of course not good setup for a meeting. Lola was trying to open her presentation on the small TV screen while Esme was busy pushing tables.

‘Congrats, Ms president,’ Yael said when they walked in the office, approaching Lola for a hug. Lola opened her arms and embraced Yael. 

‘Thanks, I couldn’t have done without you, vice president,’ Lola said back after they were done hugging. 

‘Stop… you are making me cry. You almost make me forgot you’re talking about the most meaningless title which is mostly so students do free labour that teachers don’t want to do,’ Esme snarked while putting the last table in the half circle. This was more like the Esme Lola knew. 

‘Esme, what are you doing here? ’ Yael asked, frowning and looking at Lola for an answer. 

‘I’m helping, it’s not like I have anything better to do,’ Esme answered and she sat on the nearest table, hands folded in her lap. 

‘Long story,’ Lola answered, hoping she gave a look that would be tell Yael to just not ask and luckily Yael got the cue. 

‘So… the budget, think we can fix it in three minutes before the meeting officially starts?’ Yael sat down at the front circle, having their laptop open already. Lola felt a smile creeping up her face.

‘Actually,’ she said and threw the purple map she was still holding in Yael’s direction, ‘Esme fixed it for me.’

‘Oh… well that looks good,’ they said while browsing the budget. 

‘You aren’t replacing me on the first day, are you?’ Yael joked when they closed the map. Or at least Lola thought they were joking. She wasn’t always sure with Yael, but she knew how insecure they could be, so she replied, ‘Of course I’m not. No matter what happens, you will always be my VP.’

‘Yeah, and better not forgot that,’ was the last thing Yael said before the small office started filling up with students who all wanted to congratulate Lola, including Baaz and Vijay. When everyone sat down, she looked at all people who showed up and felt a sense of excitement. This was her senior year, and she was determined to make it amazing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back and I love this chapter. Basically Lola and Esme needed to be at a point in there friendship before I could start the plot and weren't there yet, so here are 5 little flashbacks at once. After this, this mess will start to get a plot. I hope. I think. Anyways hope you like it, and again shout out to Kelly (@molaspacini on twitter) for being my beta.

Lola tried to live her life in moments. Not in one grand plan that was doomed to fail but in small highlights that mattered. Sometimes she lost sight of that and got stuck in the bitterness of the past, like with her relationship with Tiny, but she was working on that. After her mom left, it sometimes felt like the safety net underneath her was removed, like she had no place to fall back to except her friends. Because her mom, the one person who she was meant to come home to, the person that should be the one thing that was constant her life till she died of age, left Lola with nothing but a broken heart. It made everything feel more intense and permanent, more now or never, like if she tried to think too far ahead it would be a catastrophe. Seeing her life as moments helped keep her grounded. And she did get better with it. She learnt to love her thing with Miles for what it was, even though it didn’t last. She felt like whatever she and Saad had was enough for now because it was built on those little things she appreciated. She would make this school year-- her senior year-- one of highlights, she had told herself. What she didn’t imagine in her wildest dreams however, was that many of those highlights would feature Esme Song. In a few months, Esme Song subtly became an integral part of Lola’s life. A person who stood out in so many memories, Lola couldn’t help but see her as a friend, as someone she wouldn’t want to miss in her life. Within a few months, her telling herself that Esme wouldn’t become her friend seemed almost silly, seeing how much she was there in her life. Thinking back at all those memories, she wasn’t sure if that made her happy or terrified her.

***

The first time Esme made her laugh so hard that her stomach hurt was when they were decorating the gym for the second party of the year. It was two weeks after they decided to be friends. Esme’s letter full of sorry and promises to better herself were well received, she even wrote Saad ones in Arabic. A bit broken Arabic, but she made the effort, which was enough for Saad to tolerate her. Her being at the lunch table slowly became part of the daily routine, especially when Frankie wasn’t suspended anymore. Democratically, the student council had decided that second party of the year would be a 90s party. An advantage of that was that decorations were pretty simple. 

Shay, Frankie, Yael, and Esme were all helping make the gym still a bit more party-friendly than it was before. Vijay was doing a sound test, being the appointed DJ of the event. Esme was just putting some fairy lights up somewhere, almost finished, when she dramatically dropped them on the floor because “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls started playing. Suddenly she started dancing.

‘Esme, what are you doing?’ Lola laughed from the front of the gym. Esme had already moved to the middle of the gym, showing off some sweet moves. She was totally absorbed in her dance.

‘Dancebreak! I love this song. The older girls would always play it at dance practice to warm up,’ she answered between mouthing the lyrics,‘We’re almost done, let’s have some fun.’

Esme danced towards Lola and took her hand, twirling her and dragging her to the middle of the gym, after which she went to Frankie and than all other people in decorating. Before Lola knew it, she was singing the lyrics the best she could, dancing with everyone. Arms up, all parts of her body moving to the music. Vijay must be a better DJ than Lola thought, because he had made the song somehow longer and Lola was totally into it. 

‘You know, I liked this song better before I dated a guy named Zig,’ she whispered into Lola’s ear at the part where they sang they wanted a Zigga-Zig-ah. Esme came so close a few times Lola almost felt her warmth. Then, she bumped so hard into Lola at the end of another chorus that they both almost fell in a mess of limbs. That’s when Lola and everyone started laughing. She suddenly understood why people wanted to be friends with Esme, how they could get lost in her so much they lost themselves. This Esme was addicting to be around. She was a person you wanted to be friends with, making you forget like some sort of siren, all she had done in the past. Because this was some of the most fun Lola’d had in ages.

***

The second time was when she, Frankie and Esme were baking for their first official fundraiser. Or at least, baking was a part of the plan. The real thing this was about was revenge. Lola was filming the whole thing, she said it was for some promotion thing for the fundraiser. It started with Esme and Frankie making cupcakes and frosting, innocent as hell. Only later in the video they invited very special, unsuspecting guests for this, Baaz and Hunter. 

‘The cupcakes are all ready, now it’s time for our Baaz and Hunter to join us, welcome!’ Frankie said to the camera with her sweetest smile. 

‘So, what do you need us for?’ Baaz said, walking in the frame with Hunter at his side.

‘To help her decorate, of course,’ Esme handed Baaz a spatula while holding second one behind her back, which was covered in frosting. Lola, knowing what was coming, was biting her tongue to avoid laughing.

Hunter, who was also handed a spatula looked confused, ‘Uhm...we are boys. I think decorating should be left to you girls, I’m sure you would be so much better at this. So I’m not sure why we’re here?’

Esme smiled turned from sweet to devilish.

‘You guys seem to have forgotten about the last time we made cupcakes. You remember, you walked in and accused us of having an orgy. We thought, the next time we do something like that, it would be a shame to leave you out,’ was the last thing she said before she attacked Hunter with a huge portion of frosting. Frankie started the attack on Baaz and before Lola knew it, a huge cupcake fight was happening. When she looked the the footage, she noticed herself laughing hysterically in the background. The video was one of the most clicked in a while. 

***

The first time Lola considered Esme a real friend, was the first time Anna and her dad fought. It was a busy weekend for everyone but her, it seemed. Shay was on a university tour with her parents, it was Miles’ birthday so the Hollingsworths had taken a trip with their private jet to London as surprise, Yael had a big gamer event, and Saad had some family members visiting. Lola didn’t mind, she was fine spending the day alone. She worked most of the day at Lola’s Cantina and then went home to watch some TV. She was cuddled up on the couch when she heard yelling.

‘You aren’t listening to me! I’m just saying this is not normal, you should talk with someone about this?’ Anna yelled, following her dad into the living room.

‘It was just a nightmare okay, I get them sometimes. It’s no big deal,’ her dad defended himself, talking louder than normal too.

‘You almost attacked me in your sleep, that is a big deal. I’m not letting this go!’ Anna went on, trying to get his attention. Lola felt her heart sink. This couldn’t be happening- this couldn’t be happening.

‘You said you would! It was an accident and I don’t want to talk about this with you,’ her dad said back, rage hiding in his voice. Of course he tried to push Anna away, just like he did with her mom and with her. 

‘Look… I agreed we would talk about it later. I have spent the whole day ignoring it. I think now is later. I mean, have you ever seen a therapist?’ Anna was tough one, not trying to give up. It was useless, was all Lola could think, she couldn’t handle this. Only Lola could, the rest of the women in her dad’s life left. Or he would make some false promise to postpone the inevitable and recreate some lie he would live until the next fight.

‘I’m not crazy, stop trying to change me,’ her dad screamed to Anna, who flinched. This is why Lola hated when her dad dated, why she was happy it only happened like once every two years. She had almost forgotten how it was to deal with this. 

‘Lola!’ Anna said, just seeing she was here. Her voice suddenly sounded like Lola was an eight-year-old eavesdropping, not a teenager just watching Jane the Virgin. All Lola knew was one thing: she needed to get out of this house.

‘It’s fine!’ Lola jumped up from the couch,‘I just remembered I agreed to meet up with someone… I was leaving anyways.’ 

She felt jittery, putting on her jacket and shoes in record time and throwing her phone in her handbag. 

‘Lola, I’m...’ her dad tried.

‘It’s fine, it’s okay,’ Lola said. ‘I’ll text you when I come home, or I might sleep over there. Bye.’ She closed the door and practically ran out of her house. Before she knew it, she was on the street with nowhere to go. She sat down on the nearest bench and went through her phone for her options. She hadn’t meet Saad’s parents yet, but crashing a family thing wouldn’t leave the best impression. Going to Yael was also an option, but that would be awkward with her sitting doing nothing, she tried to watch Yael game once and it was boring. Then she saw Esme in there. Her finger hung above the call button… would spending the rest of the afternoon with her be better than with Yael? She weighted her options and ended up pressing the button.

‘Esme Song,’ Esme answered right away, which seemed like a good sign that she had nothing to do today. 

‘Hey, Lola here,’ Lola said, ‘This is going to sound weird and please don’t ask questions, but can I spend some time at your home for like… the rest of the day. ’

It was silent at the other side of the phone, until Lola heard a confused sounding, ‘Sure, I’m home alone all day, you can come. I’ll send you my address. Guess I’ll see you soon?’

‘See you soon.’

And like she said, Esme sent the address and a location seconds after hanging up. After a short uber ride, Lola arrived at Esme’s apartment. 

‘Welcome,’ Esme said as she opened the door, looking like she threw on an outfit and bra just for Lola.

The first thing Lola noticed when walking in was how empty it was, as in the apartment was gigantic and Esme was there alone. In her own house, she could always see some signs that her dad was living there too. A forgotten mug or newspaper, maybe even some clothes. Esme’s house seemed to be lived in by only Esme, or her dad was the most invisible person on the planet.

‘You want something to drink?’ Esme asked, walking into the kitchen and seeming a bit overwhelmed by Lola’s sudden appearance, ‘I know where my dad hides his booze, if you want some overly expensive wine just ask. Oh, or I could make some cocktails, might be fun for the weekend.’ 

‘I’ll just take some water,’ Lola said, sitting on some barstool in the kitchen. 

Esme was already on her knees looking through cabinet . ‘You’re sure you don’t want to taste this? It’s very sweet, not dry’ Esme teased, holding up the most impressive bottle of wine Lola had ever seen, the one that made the better wines at Lola’s Cantina seem cheap. She knew this was a trap but she was also curious, and honestly getting tipsy didn’t sound like the worst idea. 

‘Your dad won’t mind?’ Lola asked carefully, not wanting to say yes right away. 

‘Oh no. He’s gone till…’ Esme said, stopping her search for corkscrew to take a quick look at the calender hanging next to the fridge, ‘...the end of this month. He won’t mind.’

A few moments later she found the corkscrew and opened the bottle, Lola watching the whole ritual that Esme had obviously done before.

‘End of this month, but that’s like three weeks away? Don’t you miss him?’ Lola asked, not trying to make this evening unbearable with a ‘Walls up Esme,’ but still wanting to know.

‘Oh no, he always does this, has done it for years. He’s some businessman, representative, spokesperson, dealmaker kind of thing. He always goes from one deal to another, sometimes a weekend to breathe at home before he’s gone again. But he gives me everything I ask for, brings me presents if he doesn’t forget, sends me enough money to live as a queen and signs literally every prescription and form I send him, so it’s fine.’

‘Doesn’t it get lonely? Being here all alone, always?’ Lola looked around the apartment again, sort of questioning if it was legal to leave a teenager alone for so long.

‘You get used to it,’ Esme said, the littlest bit of sadness slipping in her voice as she poured the wine in two wine glasses. She offered one glass to Lola, who took a tiny sip of it. Not that bad, she decided. It was silent for a second, then Lola shrugged, ‘Wanna watch some Netflix?’

Esme nodded. The rest of the day was spent watching movies, getting slightly drunk. Esme was an expert on film critique, it seemed. They started with a thriller, Girl Interrupted since Lola hadn’t seen that one. But after, Esme couldn’t stop complaining on how badly portrayed the borderline personality disorder was, which was apparently the same diagnosis she had. They stopped watching it and turned started an animation marathon instead. They ordered pizza for dinner and fell asleep with the TV on. Not a single time the whole day had Esme asked Lola why she needed to be away from her own house. While it wasn’t the most fun day Lola had ever had, it was an act of kindness she would always remember when looking at Esme. 

***

The first time Lola knew Esme trusted her too was an afternoon in the girls’ bathroom. It had started with one panicked text at lunchtime.

Esme  
I’m on my period and I’m dying please help me.

That was all Lola needed to rush to the bathroom. Esme hugged her as soon as she walk in. 

‘Thank you, you are a lifesaver. Please tell me you got some good stuff?’ she said. After the hug she leant against the sink, looking pale and hugging her stomach

‘I’m your friend, not your drug-dealer,’ Lola said, digging in her bag for some painkillers. 

‘I know, I know. But my cramps get really bad the first day, like when I was younger I used to pass out because of them, which was a horror scenario I went through like three times. It got a bit better after I went on birth control, but because I’m single my therapist kept pushing the ‘taking a break from sexual activity’ thing since she thought I was using it as a vice… blah blah blah... I totally forgot to fill my prescription. So, now my uterus is punishing me again for not being pregnant,’ she rambled, her face in a painful frown, ‘Anyways, Frankie is being childish about giving me anything because of my history. But if I don’t take anything I’ll die for sure, or I’ll have to go home and I want to keep my attendance perfect after last year’s mistake.’

Esme sounded more honest than Lola had ever heard her, so this was an unusual situation. Maybe Esme was just desperate, but Lola liked to think of Esme being so vulnerable around her as a good thing. She popped two small pills from the strip in her bag.

‘I’m only giving two, no more, no matter how much you beg,’ she said after handling her them with her bottle of water. Esme took them in and looked relieved. 

‘Let’s hope for the best. How long till they work?’ she asked, still leaning on the sink. 

‘Give it fifteen minutes. These always do miracles for me. The last time I had cramps was when I forgot to take them, but after I remembered these in my bag they saved my day,’ Lola said and she saw Esme nodding.

‘That’s good to hear. One question: how do you forget to take pain medication when you have your period if you know you have it in your bag? I mean, I forgot them today but you seem well-prepared for this?’ Esme said. She didn’t sound judgemental, just confused. Lola regretted bringing it up, but she felt like Esme was being genuine and wouldn’t use this against her.

‘It was after my abortion, I just- I knew I would get some cramps and it wasn’t awful like ‘oh my god I’m almost dying’ awful, but yeah it was worse than I expected…’ Lola confessed, looking at the ground to make things less weird. Esme’s face turned from confused to understanding, nodding to herself.

‘That makes sense...’ was all Esme said after she let it sink in. Esme took another sip of water, looking at the bottle. ‘Actually, can I ask you another question?’

Lola, having been lost in her thoughts for a second, was suddenly back to earth. She already knew what was coming next. ‘Sure.’

‘What did it feel like, getting an abortion?’

‘It honestly... well, looking back, it reminded a bit of going to the dentist. It wasn’t pleasant, but it had to be done. It wasn’t like, super painful or traumatizing if that’s what you were expecting to hear,’ Lola said. It was a story she’d honestly never been quite sure how to tell. Esme, to her surprise, didn’t look back to her with pity or disgust or judgement, or even any negative emotion.

‘That’s nice to know... ’ Esme said, looking a bit lost in her thoughts all of a sudden. ‘I know it isn’t the same thing,’ she continued, ‘but… let’s just say I didn’t lose my virginity under perfect circumstances either. It was the week before I turned fourteen and I wasn’t in a good place. I was fighting with my dad all the time and, you know… teenage drama… so I liked to pretend that I was older than I actually was. And I did what I thought older people did… like go to parties, drink too much and… I ended up having sex with a stranger at some sleazy party. It wasn’t his fault, honestly. I always looked older and we were both drinking, it was dark and I put on a shitton of makeup, and I lied about my age. Anyways... the day after, I asked him if he used a condom and he said no. So I was freaking out, right? Because I wasn’t even fourteen and I could be carrying the baby of a guy whose name I don’t even remember...’

Esme took a deep breath, looking overwhelmed. Lola put her arm around her. She tried to think back at herself when she was thirteen, almost fourteen. She hadn’t even kissed a boy yet at that age. Sure she did some stupid things, many stupid things before and after Degrassi nudes, but looking back she blamed it on her age.

‘Esme, what happened to you was not okay. You were too young and...’ Lola started to comfort her, which was enough to bring back Esme to reality.

‘That’s not the point. The point was that I spent half a day in the school library researching my options and then I spent my lunch break going to the nearest pharmacy to pick up plan B. And yes, that night happened on a sunday and I still went to school Monday. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. The lady worked there was luckily one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. She wanted to go with me go to the police and report it as rape, but I ended up talking her out of it. So, I took the morning after pill and got my ass back so school. Sadly, I was one of the people who had the side effect of nausea after taking it and I sort of puked on a table, but details details. And anyways, I’m not sure why I’m telling you this and I know it has nothing to do with your abortion, it’s just… if I hadn’t gone to the pharmacy that day, I might have been that teenager having an abortion. So just… the way you went through that and opened up about it was brave and amazing and…. sorry, I have no idea where I’m going with this,’ Esme rambled and Lola was shocked at everything she heard. Shocked about Esme story, shocked that Esme was truly opening up to her without pushing.

‘Esme, you have nothing to apologize for… I’m happy you told me this, have you ever told anyone this before?’ Lola asked and Esme shrugged.

Lola went on and gave Esme a side hug: ‘I like to look at it this way, I’m not the mistakes I made. It happened, I took responsibility and fixed it and learnt from it. That’s all I take away from this. Dwelling on the past doesn’t make it disappear and it also doesn’t define me. You’re brave in your own way too Esme.’

‘You sound like a motivational poster. But I do feel better. Although I think that was mostly the drugs,’ Esme joked, slightly leaning against Lola. That moment was interrupted by the bell. The girls split up and the day went on like any other, but that small moment between them was something Lola kept with her. 

***

Another moment Lola thought about a lot, although she wasn’t exactly sure why, was at the student office. It was Vijay’s idea to hold a pride week for all queer students. They had ordered some big boxes of buttons somewhere online, but when those arrived apparently everything was thrown into one big pile. Vijay, Rasha and Yael were busy freaking out over all the other preparations that needed to be done and didn’t have time to sort them out. So Lola volunteered, underestimating just how many buttons they had ordered. It was already close to five p.m. and she was barely halfway through. Rasha said she would join as soon as the rest of the decorations were done, but she still hadn’t shown up. 

‘What are we doing?’ Esme said, walking into the student council office, carrying two muffins from the cantina in her hand. She set one in front of Lola, who took a quick bite of it. She was still wearing her clothes from dance practice. Because the team had one lesbian couple, two bisexual girls and one transgender girl, they were preparing a huge performance for the pride week opening. Esme had developed this habit overtime of popping into the student council office, most of the time with food, after whatever extracurricular activities she had finished to help Lola, 

‘Pride-button sorting! So we have like, the buttons divided by sexuality and gender so they’ll be easier to find. I have these boxes with labels, just throw the buttons wherever you think they fit best,’ Lola said, taking another quick bite of the muffin. 

‘Got it,’ said Esme, throwing her school bag on a counter and walking to the opposite end of the table. She started looking through the buttons right away. 

‘It’s getting late, I wouldn’t be offended if you went home or anything....’ Lola said, eyes still on the buttons. 

‘Lo, it’s no problem. Besides, you have good music taste,’ Esme answered with big grin on her face, which made Lola laugh. The playlist to help her survive this boring work was pure pop. Lola knew it was cheesy stuff, but who cared if it made her happy. It made her even happier when she heard Esme singing to herself. The pile was indeed less overwhelming with two hands working on it. She picked up a button with the pansexual pride flag over it and rubbed her finger over it, smiling before throwing it into the box. Most of these were simply covered with rainbows, making a gay pun, but there were some for pansexuality in them.

‘Hey Lo, are you straight?’ Esme asked after when the pile was close to being halved.

‘What?’ Lola said, coming back to earth after dreaming away in the music.

‘Do you… you know… consider yourself heterosexual, or not? It’s not a trick question,’ Esme asked again, like it was the most casual and normal question in the universe. And maybe it was, Lola thought, but Esme had been the first person to ask it. Which was weird on itself, like heterosexuality was the default or something. Lola bit her lip, because the thing was, she truly didn’t know how to answer. She was sure she liked boys, that was never something she questioned. But her feelings on girls… well, sometimes in her dreams, she was kissing girls. Girls she knew, celebrities, even figures she didn’t remember anything about except that they were girls. Everybody had unexplainable, sexy dreams, she told herself when she was younger. Sometimes she saw girls walking past her, not sure if she wanted to be them or be best friends forever with them, or if her desire to watch them was something of a totally different nature. And she was a touchy person, she wasn’t grossed out with holding hands or walking arm in arm or hugging girls, but that had nothing to do with sexuality, right? It was honestly confusing and maybe all those things were just because she was a feminist and such a passionate ally and she just felt friendship really intensely. When she saw the definition of pansexuality, it felt sort of right and sort of wrong. Because it would make sense of all her unexplained feelings, it would mean that maybe there existed somewhere a community of people like her, but something held her back. Maybe it was that she was dating a boy, or never actually did anything with a girl, or that admitting it out loud just made it real and not something that only existed in her dreams. But lying to Esme that she was hetero felt wrong too. 

‘I- I don’t know. I mean- I like boys, I’m pretty sure of that- I mean I love Saad and he’s a boy and I loved Tiny and Miles. But if I’m heterosexual… I never dated a girl- but I mean if I ever lost Saad, I would definitely be open to it. Or at least I think I would be if it it was the right girl. But, I- it’s not like… I’m not against labels or anything and I don’t want to be a cliche - it’s just that I don’t know if anything fits me like yet - and I want to like, spend a little bit more time figuring out what fits before I use any label. I mean, can I just like, be undecided for now?’ Lola suddenly exploded in a waterfall of words and she felt herself blushing. Why was this so awkward to talk about, she never felt this way talking about her boyfriends but discussing even the possibility of liking a girl made her stutter. Esme looked at her, eyebrows up, smiling, which made Lola blush harder. Was she laughing at her, making fun of her? She felt suddenly naked.

‘That’s one way to answer that question,’ she said and went on sorting, which didn’t make Lola feel better. It took a whole two minutes, before Esme noticed that the first peaceful silence had turned awkward and that Lola was still uncomfortable. 

‘I’m sorry, did I offend you are something? Are you that sensitive?’ asked Esme, sounding annoyed.

‘It’s nothing,’ Lola mumbled back, still feeling like she did something wrong but knowing that she didn’t, which led to a mix of confused emotions.

‘Look, I wasn’t trying to put you on the spot, or out you, or make this into a gay joke or be an asshole, I was just curious. You looked at some of these buttons for so long. And it’s not a bad thing to ask questions about what would make you excited or what you would be into… sex should be fun. Thinking about it should make you feel good, not ashamed. Don’t be scared of it,’ Esme said after a while, with a soft voice that she almost never used.

‘Yeah… I don’t know why I had to make it weird,’ Lola said, trying to shake the feeling off. Suddenly, she noticed the elephant in the room. ‘Esme, do you consider yourself heterosexual?’ she asked. 

Esme laughed out loud. ‘Well...’ she began. But before she could finish Rasha rushed into the office, running so hard that she almost crashed into the table.

‘Sorry… I’m… Late,’ Rasha said while catching some breath. 

‘I know I promised to come as fast as I can, but turning the school into a huge rainbow is more work than I thought. It looks so beautiful, though. We hung up art of students everywhere celebrating themselves and those pride flags and all these nice quotes and it’s just… a lot and… Did I interrupt something? Am I too late? ’ Rasha went on and on, sounding like a little kid with her enthusiasm. 

‘You didn’t interrupt anything,’ Esme said, her face suddenly serious as she turned back to sorting buttons. Rasha looked at Lola for confirmation if her storming in was indeed okay. 

‘Yeah, we’re getting there, but we can use all the help we can,’ Lola said trying to hide her disappointment in not hearing Esme’s answer. She thought Esme would bring the subject back up, but she didn’t.

‘Did you go to the real pride parade this summer, Rasha?’ Esme used as conversation starter instead, which led to an excited Rasha talking gushing all about her first pride with Zoë. With the three of them working together, the sorting got done sooner than Lola thought. That afternoon crossed Lola’s mind many times after that day, not sure if it meant anything or simply nothing at all.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I updated I'm surprised too

The week that would cause the whole senior year to turn upside down started with Arabic lessons from Rasha that seemed doomed to fail. While Lola was more of a language gal than a beta, she couldn’t quite seem to get it right. It sounded like a good idea when she began with it. Rasha was always busy, being the leader of the MSA and Queer-Straight-Alliance, which made Lola sort of ashamed to ask for lessons, but Rasha was enthusiastic at her request. Rasha said it was so romantic –– it reminded her that when she first saw Zoe, she was speaking Arabic, which made her believe in love at first sight. And it was for an important cause, too; you had only one chance to make a good impression on your boyfriend’s parents –– especially if your boyfriend cared more about his family than anything in the whole universe. 

Before this week, Saad kept postponing it, making sure to invite her over only when his parents weren’t home. He kept saying that his parents would make this all awkward and would only want their son to date if it was serious. He told her how he dated one girl in Syria before and that when he introduced her to his parents, they tore her down to see if she would make a good daughter in law. So when Lola finally got that family dinner invitation, she was thrilled and scared at the same time. In her head she heard this little voice when Saad invited her: run or you’ll get hurt. But she ignored that little voice, smiled and said yes. Still, the fear that she had to be perfect kept nagging in the back of her head. She thought the trick to win over Saad’s mom and dad was greeting them in Arabic, showing she was invested enough in Saad to do that.

‘You honestly aren’t that bad,’ Rasha said after Lola was hiding her face in her hands, feeling like she kept messing it up. To be fair, she knew she was being hard on herself –– she knew from the people mispronouncing the Spanish at Lola’s Cantina that many people didn’t even try speaking another language.

‘The dinner is tonight, are you sure I’m not making a complete fool at myself?’ Lola asked in a small voice.

‘Absolutely not! Have some faith in yourself. For the little time we have to practice, you’re doing better than I expected. Now, try introducing yourself again.’

Lola shook all her worries from her body and tried again, repeating the words and Rasha’s feedback in her head. Esme walked in, her eyebrows up when she heard Lola speaking Arabic.

‘Am I hallucinating things or did you just introduce yourself in Arabic?’ she said, looking like she was questioning her own sanity.

‘She was,’ Rasha jumped in. ‘We’ve been practicing all week... tell her she doesn’t suck at this.’

‘You don’t suck at it. I mean, I only know the basic Arabic because I was extra enough to write a letter to Saad in Arabic and I understood it, and you know I don’t sugar-coat,’ Esme answered. She sounded genuine, which actually made Lola feel relaxed. When she started caring so much about what Esme thought about her, she didn’t exactly know.

‘Thanks, I needed that’, Lola said.

‘Is this why you’ve been ditching our dates the last weeks? I missed our special, personal time together. Sharing you with Saad is already difficult enough. I knew I was right to be worried that you were seeing someone else... which isn’t a problem, but you know I prefer to be open about seeing other people,’ Esme suddenly teased. She made her voice sound extra romantic and flirty, getting a confused look from Rasha.

‘Wait… are you….are you into… like with Frankie and Zig and-’ started Rasha carefully. 

Lola jumped up to interrupt while Esme had this evil grin on her face. ‘NO, NO! Esme is being an ass. She tutors me twice a week and I had to cancel that! We are not in a threeway,’ Lola assured Rasha. Esme shrugged and walked to the nearest table to sit down.

‘Yeah, I was being an ass... but you guys make it so easy,’ Esme said.

‘What are you doing here anyway, Esme? Where’s Frankie?’ Lola asked. Usually Frankie and Esme were a package deal.

‘Frankie is still doing that first aid course, the one I have already certificate for. And just... you know, I’m not really in the mood to hear all the different ways people can hurt themselves and how to fix it,’ Esme answered. Lola wasn’t sure if she imagined it or not, but she had a small edge in her voice. Some darkness lurking underneath. But then Esme quickly changed the subject

‘I actually came here for two reasons. First, I calculated the festival budget you asked me to look at. The results: we have money for either a pony or a ferris wheel. Not both –– you gotta choose, but that’s not important. This is way more interesting. Why the sudden interest in learning a third language?,’ she said.

‘But I really, really want both! You can’t make me choose between two loves. How much do we have to earn in a fundraiser to get both? I mean, we can arrange something last-last minute. Maybe the Hollingswor-,’ Lola started rambling in hopes of avoiding talking about her date and admitting how much she was freaking out.

’No avoiding the subject –– spit it out, Lo. Why the third language?’ Esme asked again.

’I’m… I’m meeting Saad’s parent tonight. I thought that I could do something special,’ Lola said, feeling those nerves again.

‘Meeting the parents… that sounds serious! Do I need to start planning a bachelorette party together with Frankie and Shay? You know a bachelorette party organized by me would be epic,’ Esme answered.

‘It’s not that big of a….,’ Lola started, but Esme could see through her bullshit.

‘Yeah, it’s THAT serious. Not getting married serious, but like… I haven’t met them yet, and we have been dating for a while now so I’m kind of freaking out, and... is it that obvious?’ Lola panicked, everything that could go wrong suddenly replaying in her head.

‘You’ll do great. They would be insane to not love you. You have the special and rare ability to make everyone fall in love with you, even the toughest most defensive people. Don’t worry!’ Esme answered, noticing that Lola was stressed for real. Lola nodded and saw on her phone that lunch was almost over.

‘And if dinner does suck, Frankie and I are having a girls’ night at her house. Feel free to join us for some guacamole and chips and bad movies and doing homework. Now I remember that I actually came here to invite you in the first place. Oh, and Shay is coming too,’ Esme continued.

‘Wait, Shay?’ Lola asked, confused. Despite that they tolerated each other, Shay and Esme didn’t exactly hang out.

‘Apparently she’s struggling with her English assignments, which means in Shay’s world that she has a B+ instead of an A. So, as someone who’s literally only here because she missed too many classes and skipped her exams, but could otherwise graduate summa cum laude, I’m helping her out. I mean… she was desperate enough to ask me, so…’ Esme explained as the bell rang.

‘Anyways, good luck with tonight –– and you are always welcome at the Hollingsworth house,’ Esme said while walking out the student council office.

‘You’ll do great. Break a leg, and text me after,’ Rasha reassured Lola, giving her a pat on the shoulder.

‘Don’t worry about me. It’s going to be okay. I’ll text you tonight,’ Lola answered, trying to convince Rasha as much as herself.

\-----------------------

 

‘So… yeah... that was the story of the fundraiser we organized. We didn’t expect it to be such a huge success, and I wish we could have raised even more money, but I’m really proud of what we accomplished,’ Lola ended her story, earning some impressed gazes from Saad’s parents. 

So far, the dinner wasn’t a disaster yet. Lola did everything right: she dressed in her most mature dress, brought flowers for Saad’s mom, introduced herself in Arabic which got her a polite smile, complimented everyone and brought even desserts from the Cantina. Sure, her hair color got some confused looks, but so far, it could have been worse. 

There was an awkward silence first, and some questions about what Saad’s parents’ jobs and life were like, to keep Lola from accidently incriminating herself. Saad’s siblings were also at the table, but they didn’t say much, with exception of his parents telling the youngest two to stop playing with their food. But things felt a bit more comfortable when Saad brought up student council.

‘So, is student council the only thing you do in your free time? What else do you like?’ Saad’s mom asked.

‘I work a lot at my dad’s place, Lola’s Cantina. He got it right after I was born and was so proud, he named it after me. He wanted everyone to know his baby’s name. Other than that, I dabbled in some sport teams, professional cheerleading... volleyball, but it was never my passion,’ Lola explained and Saad’s parents nodded seriously. Lola felt in her belly that the cross-examination was slowly starting and she had to pay attention to every word she was saying. Hopefully, his parents wouldn’t google the old professional cheerleading team –– she suddenly started to regret mentioning it in the first place.

‘Professional cheerleading sounds like so much fun!’ Abra said. ‘I’m on the regular Degrassi cheerleading team now and it’s sort of lacking something, you know? Why doesn’t the team exist anymore?’ Abra asked, after silently eating the entire time. Lola felt herself panic and shot a look to Saad. While she never explained the whole Degrassi Nudes situation for him, she hoped the look told him enough.

‘Lola also had this vlog last year,’ Saad added in a hurry to change the subject. Lola suddenly regretted not discussing all this with Saad before dinner.

‘Vlog,’ repeated Saad’s father, confused and maybe a bit judgemental… even though the real stuff he could judge her for hadn’t even come up yet.

‘Vlog means video blog. It was basically a collection of videos we uploaded every day. It was about teenage things, like video games and movies; it wasn’t really that important. Some people asked me to join them and I had nothing else to do. I had to quit because of student council, but it was fun while it lasted,’ Lola said about it, hopefully making it sound boring and generic enough that they wouldn’t ask further questions about the content... like a certain video about abortion she made.

‘Wait, I remember! All Inclusive, wasn’t it? I almost forgot you did that too! I watched all your videos! My friends loved your makeup tutorials. I wanted to try some out, but Mom didn’t want it,’ Abra said, the last part coming out very annoyed towards her mom. 

‘You aren’t old enough for makeup! You are barely fourteen, you shouldn’t want to look like a grownup already. It gives people the wrong idea. Do you want to be that kind of girl? Plus, it’s such a waste of money. And it’s bad for your skin. As long as you live under my rules, you aren’t allowed to wear makeup, and that’s that,’ Abra’s mom said in that motherly tone that makes every kid shrink and know the battle is already lost.

‘Lola wears makeup! Her mom apparently has no problem with it! And she turned out fine. She’s the student council president!.’ Abra tried to argue against her mom, who didn’t seem to cave in.

‘Judging by Lola’s hair color, her mom and I have very different approaches on raising a girl,’ Abra’s mom answered, looking directly to Lola and took a pause to take finish her dinner. Lola felt that tiny stab she felt whenever anyone mentioned her mother. Lola knew she didn't do it on purpose –– there was no way Mrs. Al'Maliki knew Lola didn't have a mom, but it still hurt. She wanted to say something, wanted to explain it was just her and her dad at home and that her dad raised her, but what difference would it make? She stared shortly at Saad, who took another bite of his meal avoiding eye contact.

‘And, if Lola makes these videos, then Lola should be thinking about the things she teaches these young, impressionable girl on her channel. That teaches girls that something’s wrong with their natural face and that they should be spending money to make themselves presentable. That’s not something girls your age should learn,’ Abra’s mom went on, as if she was personally responsible for the patriarchy. It was silent for several seconds. Lola wanted to defend herself, but she also wanted to make a good impression. She thought Saad should say something, but he didn’t. It almost made Lola angry, but she knew how much Saad’s parents meant to him. 

Abra just looked done with all of it. ‘Whatever, I’m done eating anyways. May I leave the table?’ 

‘As long as you take everyone’s empty plates to the kitchen. And turn on the TV for your siblings, but not too loud. Only this one time, because your mother and I want to ask Lola some more questions. Don’t get used to this,’ Abra’s dad said. Lola hurriedly finished the last few bites of her meal so Abra could take her plate with her.

‘Thanks again for having me over for dinner. شكراً جزيلاً على الطعام اللذيذ اليوم,’ Lola attempted to say, praying she had remembered the right phrase and didn’t look like some kind of idiot.

‘You’re welcome. Also, while it’s nice of you, we’ve live here for almost two years now. Speaking English is more understandable than your Arabic,’ Saad’s dad said.

‘Oh, of course. Can I get you some dessert or would you like to wait?’ Lola asked after Abra and Saad’s other siblings had left the table.

‘We would like to wait…’ his mom said and she sat up straight, suddenly looking very serious and staring at Lola very intensely. She noticed that Saad’s dad was doing the same and Lola understood that the real conversation was beginning now. And that it did. While Saad stared awkwardly at the table, Lola answered a fuckton of questions with her most polite smile.

Was she religious?

Not strictly, but she did believe something was there. Lola didn’t think mentioning her grandma’s opinion on voodoo and witchcraft would be smart to say.

Did she have a problem with Saad’s religion?

No. Of course not.

Did she want children?

Yes, but she hadn’t decided how many yet.

How did she plan raising their children? Like, would she have an issue if she had a daughter who wanted to wear a hijab?

At that question, Lola actually choked on her drink. She answered that since she and Saad hadn’t been dating for too long, she simply hadn’t considered that yet. Besides, she was too young to have any thoughts about family planning yet.

Did that mean she wasn’t serious about Saad?

No, she was, but she wanted to make a career for herself too, and thought a stable homelife was the priority before children.

Would she stop working when she had children to raise them?

Again, that was something she would think about in the future and when the time was right. She wasn‘t against the idea to take a break from work when she had children.

What did she want to do with her future, then?

Become a social worker.

Was Saad just a charity project for her then, an experiment for her future?

That did offend Lola and she kind of lost her chill for a second. ‘No, of course not!’ she shouted, before taking a deep breath and explaining that she liked Saad without underlying motive. But the edge stayed in the Lola’s voice, and Saad noticed it. He coughed loudly, multiple times, and Abra luckily got the clue to avert attention. She nodded shortly.

‘Mom, dad, I searched Lola’s vlog. It’s all very innocent and cool. See?’ she said, and motioned them to come to the computer. 

Lola felt the color leave her face. How could Saad have forgotten about that one video? But it was too late –– Saad’s parents had already stood up and walked to the computer, full of interest. Saad and Lola stood behind them, Lola biting her lips. It was an innocent makeup tutorial, nothing incriminating yet. Maybe they would lose interest after one video, Lola thought, maybe they won’t click far enough for it. To be fair, she had produced a lot after that video, so hopefully it got lost in the algorithm. Saad’s parents expression while watching the first video was impossible to judge.

‘What’s that one about?’ Saads mom said after the video was done, pointing to a video called “What I think about makeup.” It was a video basically talking about how makeup made her feel confident, while also recognizing that you shouldn’t feel pressured into it. She had been proud of that one before, but after the discussion earlier, she felt insecure about it. Lola swallowed, knowing this video would lead towards her more feminist videos, which could cause THAT video to show up. After the video was done, again without any reaction from either of Saad’s parents, his dad chose the video Lola did with Yael about gender identity and what to wear to lessen dysphoria. Everyone was so focused (and slightly confused) on the video, that no one noticed the small thumbnail with title “I had an abortion and didn’t regret it (not a clickbait)”.

‘Well! That’s enough videos for tonight!’ Lola said as soon as they the video was finished. Panicked, she pushed Abra aside to grab the mouse and minimize the page.  
‘I mean… you get what they were about and everything. Nothing special, just boring teenage stuff! Who wants some dessert?’ she tried saving face after getting some unpleasant looks from the rest of family.

‘Wait a second… Abra, open the page again. There is one more video I want to see,’ Saad’s father said and Abra, after giving a ‘I’m sorry’ look to Lola and Saad, opened the page again. And Lola’s worst fear came true, as he pointed to that one specific thumbnail.

“My name is Lola Pacini. Yesterday, I was pregnant, and now I’m not. And I’d like to talk about it,” she heard. One look at Saad’s parents was enough. She closed her eyes, waiting for her past self to stop talking. She heard whispers in Arabic in the background, which wasn’t a good sign. After the video was finished, they started arguing angrily. To each other, to Saad, even to Abra. Hand gestures were made (and not the good kind), some directed at Lola. 

Lola didn’t have to speak Arabic to know they were unhappy. She backed off, slowly walking away till she ended up practically hiding in a corner by the door, hugging herself. She wasn’t going to cry –– not yet, anyway. Abra stood up, since Saad couldn’t because he was still busy explaining himself, grabbed Lola’s jacket for her and packed her dessert back in a bag again.

‘It’s the best that you leave, I guess. I don’t think they want this anymore, either. I’m sorry that this evening had to end like this. And I’m sorry for showing the vlogs to them… I didn’t…’ she said softly handling the jacket to Lola.

‘It’s fine… I know you didn’t mean any harm,’ Lola said while putting on the jacket, averting her eyes so she wouldn’t burst into tears. Abra guided her to the door and Lola threw one last look to Saad, who was still circled around by his parents, talking to them with a defensive look on his face. He made eye contact with her for one second, and she could feel him trying to apologize, but Lola left anyway. 

‘Look… our parents can be a bit… difficult. But no matter how hard it seems to believe now, they are more open-minded than you think. It just overwhelmed them, they are still getting used to this culture and everything. They’ll come around –– I’m sure of it. Just… give them time,’ Abra said as an attempt to comfort her before closing the door.

‘But how much time? And what will happen in the meantime? I don’t want to be the reason Saad is fighting with his parents, he doesn’t deserve that. And neither do you. I’m sorry for ruining the evening. Now… say bye to Saad for me. I guess I’m going home. Bye, Abra,’ Lola answered awkwardly.

‘We will figure it out. Goodbye Lola. See you tomorrow,’ Abra said, then closed the door.

It took five steps away from the door before Lola stopped walking, leaned against the nearest wall and started crying. She didn’t want to cry, so she swept away the tears with her hands and grabbed her phone as distraction. She had missed some ‘How is it going’, messages from Rasha and wanted to start sobbing for real now. Esme had sent her a photo. She opened it and it was a pyjama selfie with Frankie and Esme, and Shay in the background looking over a book with a pen in her hand. Looking at that picture and looking at her own dress, her attempt to try and look mature, she suddenly felt so young. 

You’re missing out! The door is open, it said as a caption. And Lola knew what she had to do: she needed her girls.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this will have a plot eventually. And for if you fear, no, it has no cheating in the future. I just really love Esme and Lola and I think they have a lot in common and I miss both girls so let's see if I ever finish this one.
> 
> Also if you ask about Damon, I needed a villain and I always interpreted he was shot in his leg and not really 'never going to walk again' at the end of season 14 and I was too lazy to check up what really happened I only remembered him bothering Zoë and Imogen/Jack so fuck that guy. Also this will mostly from Lola's point of view. And my excuse for the spellings mistakes which make this probably unreadable.


End file.
